No One Cares: It's you who believe you are cared.

We all instinctively seek for attention.

Since the day we were born into this life, we cry for attention. We then whine and shout for attention. Attention from others is perceived as a means of survival. As we grow up, we seek attention in a multitude of forms and an array of ways.

Attention seeking is natural, instinctive and beneficial, but equally menacing and stressful if not properly used.

Exclamation mark shouts “HEY, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”

Being an only child nourished in a caring environment sets me in a bubble of attention. I was raised and praised, pretty much constantly until my high school time. I didn’t seem to pay attention to “attention” due to my limited perception at that point, yet deep down in my heart, I yearned for it in retrospect. Actually, I followed the conventional positive way of getting care from my parents as well as others surrounding at that time: being as good as possible at studying and earning as many rewards as possible. From being a straight-A pupil with GPA at 9.9 out of 10 to winning medals in chess tournaments, from being an tutor for my friends to entering a national competition in the representation of my high school: I did everything it took to get attention. I could have become more rebellious, yet I chose to stay benign throughout my journey for exogenous care, to which I am personally grateful to myself. I grew up being known for talented and benevolent.

Captured from the chapter named “No one cares” from What They Forgot To Teach You At School by The School of Life collection

But, I grew up depending on others to give my the care that I crave for. And I always assumed, I was cared for, and that I was important enough to be cared about. My solo journey to the UK to start A-level was a true paradigm shift. Whatever efforts I had exerted earlier in my study did not gain me the attention I wanted, or I expected to be exact. Letters of rejections from my top university choices and the undisguised distant attitude from British people taught the attention-seeking teenager a lesson in the hard way: YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT (as you presume you are), so NO ONE NEEDS TO CARE ABOUT YOU (some might but not that they have to like you expect).

Of course, I still yearned for attention at that time, but my approach to external gratification became more sensible. I learned to take deep intrapersonal conversation with myself rather than searching for whimsical interpersonal dialogues sweeping through my mind. My next obstacle soon appeared as I opened multiple accounts on social media networks. I was awestruck and possessed by the magical button of ‘like’. I then sought online likes. I did everything it took to gain virtual thumbs up: nice pictures, new outlooks, or party hang-over craze. Great! My so-called network at the time expanded at exponential rate. All I wanted at the end of the day was some new friend requests and more likes on my FB/IG. Once again, I fell back into the trap of attention, but this time the vicious cycle generated by social media platforms was much more tempting and addictive.

What got me out was the pursuit of social causes. I started volunteering and assuming the captain position in my University Chess Society. Juxtaposing my real life and virtual life, I soon came to realise that the actual rewarding feeling evoked from helping disadvantaged kids to understand a math problem or to complete their homework was much stronger and satisfying than hundreds likes on my FB photos. Moreover, I set clearer personal development goals, including learning new foreign languages and going on cultural exchange trips. Those goals gave me a sense of direction that attention could never do. Attention, especially praising, sends you to sky of vagueness and flakiness while goal propels you to the top of ‘self-actualisation’ mountain. Until now, I still find myself having some days in this attention loop, but most of the time, I have total control over my time and my use of time.

From my experience and observation, the judgment over care from others correlates with the bubble of care one has. If you were raised in a bubble of care, you learn to crave for care from others naturally and unquestionably. If you were soon exposed to dire environment where individual survival prevails (sounds like Hobbesian State of Nature!?), you learn to care for yourself and expect less to none from others.

As I started my employment in different working contexts, I was exposed to the new facet of attention. I aimed at being irreplaceable at work! I tried to be the best at my job. Apparently, I got the status that I wanted: gaining excellent rewards, earning recognition from managers, and getting promoted after a short while. My attention thirst simplified the formula to be irreplaceable to being extremely good. I reckon I fell back on the A-star student track without knowing. The reality then hit me hard once again. I expected my former company to struggle when I left my position (as I was so good at the job!), yet I forgot that quality could be compensated by quantity. If there were no one like me, then try 2 or 3 more to fill in the vacancy. Problem solved! So, I am replaceable, and no one cares to hold me if willingness to cooperate halts from both sides. Life goes on.

With hindsight, my epiphany is that attention is important and useful to define who I am (in fact, I have become better thanks to my thirst for attention), yet I need to steer it the right way at the right target for my own good. I neither intend to delegitimise the concept in one’s perception nor negate the process and denounce my achievements. Instead, I want to unveil the importance of the purpose of attention. At the end of the day, whatever I achieve only benefits me. So my attention should stem from my own pursuit of self-improvement so that the today ‘me’ is better than the yesterday ‘me’. This interpretation of attention sets me free from bothers from others, thus fueling my sense of beings, of autonomy and self-actualisation.

Disclaimer: You can, of course, spread your impact and try to increase your social contribution, yet never expect people to naturally care about you. Unless you possess sufficient power to manipulate people, such as being super rich or being a master of something (power is another complicated topic to explore that this reflection cannot accommodate), you should never expect people to care about you.

No one cares.

You do you well.

It’s all that matters.